INSOMNIA DIARIES #1

A dull, beaten ache that insists on staying. A stubborn sensation burning away at the joint. I fear they will one day be worn down so much by the particles of pain that I will no longer be standing, they'll wear the bones down day by day 'till I can't breathe through it any longer. Please stop there I'll say but it will move, spread, attack me from another angle, I will try to stand my ground but I will eventually give in and I will drown myself in violent capsules that break their claims, their promises of doing me good. They will betray me, combine and strike hard, encourage each other. I realise I was better before, I could take it but now the next ten seconds that anyone can get through must become five, making it through ten seconds is big ask when something bigger has taken your focus.

Day To Day Life (Chronically Ill Edition)

Hello.. Good morning - good evening!
I don't post regular on here, mainly because it takes me a few of weeks to write a post I care about and I never want to just post something for the sake, that's not why I do this. So as I find it hard to sit down and write a post straight up, over the last couple of weeks, I wrote notes on my phone, wrote what was going on in my head and how I was feeling at that time, so hopefully I can put them together on this post to give you a bit of an insight into my life.

20th February 2015 
00:44 - I've had a rough few weeks, my pain level has been jumping from tolerable straight to 'should I be in the hospital?'. I've began writing a few posts but 90% of the time I feel like there is a ball living in my head that insists on jumping from left to right constantly, which of course, isn't a pleasant sensation in darkness, never mind when you're looking at small text on a bright screen. So as I wait for my bath to run, I'll write up as much as I can for this post. It's almost 1am and I'm running the bath in hopes of it soothing my pain a little. When the temperature drops below a certain level in my room, my body goes into alert and the pain comes on almost immediately. It's not that it's noticeably cold in the room but I sometimes turn my heating off when I'm too warm as my body temperature goes from one extreme to another so then I forget I turned it off and my body then feels the slightest bit of cold.

00:49 - The cold water is running now, if I get in a very hot bath there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get myself back out of it!

00:51 - Ok now the bath is freezing and extremely full.. I need to work on my time management! 

00:56 - Time to introduce my feet to the water temperature before I get in... Oh the simple days where I could jump in and out of the shower/bath without it being anymore than that.

I made it out the bath and onto the bathroom floor. Can we make hairy and bruised legs a trend? For the girls who can't help it or don't care. I did try but I could almost hear my hips screaming at me when I tried to lift my leg up, I guess trousers will be tomorrow's choice!

14:00 - I'm ready to get up. Well I'm not able to sit up at the moment but I'm not going back to sleep, I'm just trying to move my limbs a bit to get them working but they feel like sandbags right now. I got 8 hours sleep, which is fab, 6am-2pm but still good. After I got out of the bath last night I had to lay down for a couple of hours, I'd washed my hair as I'm going out tonight and I don't really want to look on the greasy side, I'll let you know how I get on. 

14:06 - I just turned to my side and my heart rate went crazy, made my breath short, so I have to stop moving for a second. Sits up in bed - spends 5 minutes getting breathing back on track, moves the the edge of the bed - sits for 5 minutes 'til my legs are ready, walks to the bathroom - thanks the heavens that the toilet is a seat!

(I never logged how my night went. I went out for dinner with my family and Chelsea's boyfriends family. I had a bad headache in the restaurant, my eyes were hurting, it was a very small place, so the tables were close, conversations were loud and body heat was trapped and circulating the room. My legs always begin to seize up after sitting for a while and my body becomes jittery when I stand up, so between stretching my legs under the table (almost kicking my mum off her chair in front of me) and walking to the toilets every time I felt my body becoming agitated, I managed the night well.)

21st February 2015

06:00 - Saturday morning, I've been up all night but I'm finally feeling sleepy, time to shut my eyes and hopefully sleep. 

10:48 - I just woke up, I feel extremely sick. I feel hungover. I'm not, I don't have to drink to have the symptoms of a hangover with me.  

18:13 - I'm out of bed now. I woke up many times throughout the day but I didn't feel well enough to get up. I'm so weak at the minute, give me an hour or so and I'll hopefully have a bit of strength! 

00:07 - My heart rate is going crazy, I was just in the living room and I stretched which sent my heart racing. When I stretch my body feels like jelly, my arms and legs become weak and my heart beats extremely fast for a few minutes. So I waited a couple of minutes before walking into the kitchen, thankfully there was a chair in the kitchen as my sister had a hair cut earlier in the day, so I could sit down quickly as I felt like I was about to faint. I'm laid on my bed now, I'd love to get a shower/bath as I am boiling but I don't think I'd be able to walk to the bathroom and do that at this minute because I feel too exhausted now.

It's 2pm, I've just had 5 hours sleep. I'm again exhausted, my body is weak and there's a lot of pressure on my chest. It's raining out, I can hear it. Someone is watching TV in the living room, I can hear that too. I can't describe this feeling I'm having right now, it's like a sudden wash of heat and sickness that flashes over me.
I just stretched and turned on my side, my body needs a second to calm down now. I told you that when I stretch I become weaker, my limbs feels as if they have dead wires flowing through them, I can feel my hips and my feet but the in-between, my legs feel empty and heavy. I need to put my phone down now, moving my hand is cramping my arm. 

19:47 - I'm awake for good this time, I feel better than before. My throat is a little sore, there's pain in the side of my legs and my vision is blurred, I'm still adjusting to the light. I'm exhausted. I don't know how many times I can say that word but that is literally the one word I can use to describe this feeling, it's the perfect word. 

I've had a lot of vivid nightmares the past few days. I think it's the going in and out of sleep thing.. not nice!

20:08 - I don't know about you but when I just wake up I crave sweet things, I need that energy! And my motivated to get up right now is the brownies in the kitchen..

It's Thursday, the 26th. I have no idea how it got to this date, I thought it was Tuesday today, not that it matters. It's 20:05, I got up about 15 minutes ago and I made a cup of tea. I'm now sat on my bed leaning on a bunch of pillows, I must have been getting freaky in my sleep because I feel like I've pulled a muscle in my back and I've woken up with a very tense body. I had 2 dreams about dogs, you know those hairless cats? Sphynx cats, I dreamt I had one of those but it was a dog (?) like a tiny greyhound and when it went outside it shrank so small it almost dissolved, so I had to pick it up and take it back inside in time, so that it could go back to normal size, strange.. I had another dream about a little dog at a tattoo shop, he'd been found nearby and he had a bunch of horrible tattoos on his back, so they were being covered before he went to his new owners. Somehow I was there and holding the dog while he got it done, he was a small white dog and half of his body/fur was being covered with black ink.. I don't even know. The humans in my dreams are being replaced by dogs.. I'm not sorry.

28th February 2015
10:50 - I was hoping to stay awake and go out with my sister today as I have been asleep all week, so I've not seen her much but my ears are buzzing, my eyes are blurry and my body is working against me, so it looks like another day in bed. Though I'll try my best to stay awake as late as possible, so that I can hopefully sleep late enough to stay awake tomorrow, so I can sleep tomorrow night and so on. I don't feel great right now but my heart is still beating, maybe too fast but it's still a good sign, right? I better go wrap my cold tootsies up and get my eyes away from my phone screen, though the sunlight through my blinds is much brighter. Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if you could turn the brightness down on your surroundings like you can on your phone? I suppose I'll just get my head under the duvet!

02:09: I just managed to get out of bed. I woke up at the opposite end of the bed wrapped in a blanket, my neck and shoulders aren't happy with me, I used my duvet as my pillow, provided quite a height! I'm hungry but I'm breathless and weak, so I don't think I'm going to be able to make any dinner/breakfast just yet.

Ok it's the 6th of March now. I of course, didn't know know the correct the day today, apparently it's Friday not Tuesday. I've just finished going over this post, I thought I'd wrote more than I did and I didn't know while writing these notes how negative they probably sound but I've not had the best few weeks, insomnia got me bad and I've been trying to manage my illnesses as best as possible. A run down of my day to life would be: I wake up feeling like I just crossed over the finish line of a marathon; exhausted, my heart is fast, I'm in pain and my head feels tight. Then once I'm able to sit upright and get out of bed, I just manage each day as it comes, whether that be resting all day and taking painkillers when I'm finding pain unbearable or maybe it's that once a month time to go outside kind of day, if I'm feeling well enough to go out, I do and I pace myself throughout the day then I'll then pay for it for the following days which I've learnt to deal with, some things are worth the set back.

It's the 16th of March now, this post went on for a lot longer than anticipated but obviously things get in the way, not only have I been absent from my blog but I've not been writing anything at all for the past two week, which is not like me, I love to write, it's how I get through things, so here's to picking my notebook back up and getting back on track. It was actually Mother's Day yesterday, I think I left my bed only 4 times throughout the day, I hate that but I thankfully have a wonderful Mum who knows my situation better than anyone and I think we'd both agree that we share enough great moments throughout the year to make up for that one day.

Overall, my days aren't filled with much other than thoughts, I do usually start to pick up throughout the day but I still go to bed in pain and wake up feeling if any, worse. I don't remember how it feels to recover from an illness within a week and get on with life. I live for the days that I can enjoy myself doing the things I'm able to and I try not to think much about the things I cannot do. Some days are tough but I know there are better to come and although I have limits, there's still a million things that I'm lucky enough to be able to go out and do and for that, I am grateful to be as well as I am. 

SHOULD I START A PODCAST?

Hello! Today I have a straightforward question for you: Should I start a health podcast? Before I go any further, I'll explain what that is for anyone that doesn't know (granny, I know you were about to text me asking, ha). 

A podcast is an audio file, uploaded to the internet in series, it's basically a radio show online, available to listen to at anytime, covering different topics in each episode.

This may seem like a random project I'm just dropping on you but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, mainly because I think it could be a good platform for us spoonies as it's not always easy to read paragraph after paragraph, so I'm thinking that creating some easy listening audio that you could play anywhere at anytime, could be a good concept. 

I often discuss M.E and the experiences I've had from being chronically ill on here but if you know me in person, you know that I can talk forever if it's about something I'm passionate about. And you probably also know that I like to go off track and before you know it, it's all got pretty deep and un-related and I'm asking what you'd do if you woke up in someone else's house and the front door was being unlocked from the outside. So yes, I can be a talker once I get into a subject but I love the back and forth of a conversations, which is the opposite of what I can do on this blog, a good reason for me to start a podcast. It would be an expansion on my blog, where I would discuss chronic illnesses and related subjects further. I think we could have fun as well as get serious, I could have the people who are close to me on to discuss how my illness has changed their lives too, we could have guests on to discuss the things that I'd usually write about alone and of course, other people to share their own stories and experiences. As it is would only be audio, connecting with others around the world for things like this is pretty easy thanks to our friend, Skype (if the unfriended trailer didn't scare you away from using it). We could also cover controversial matters, have some debates, I know that I'd enjoy having some old teachers on to discuss their ageist views on illnesses, holy cow I would actually love that! 

Now I don't know all that much about producing audio shows, I wrote scripts for radio in my brief time at college but I have never presented something myself. So it would be a big step and I'd have to do a lot of research, also I will look into what's already out there but if there isn't anything too similar already going on, I would be excited to give it a go, if people are interested. And if you're concerned about my non existent BBC English, I promise I'd try to notch down the Northern as much as possible for you!

Please do let me know what you think of this idea, I obviously won't go ahead with anything if there would be no audience but if any of you would actually be up for listening to my voice discuss some stuff (maybe while you're trying to fall asleep or while you wait to be called into an appointment) just give me a comment or tweet with a simple yes and I'll get straight onto the research and see if I can make this happen.

 I apologise for any mistakes in this post, I'm super tired and my vision is poor right now, so please tell me if I've made a spelling mistake or if I'm missing a word in a sentence, as I seem to read back and see words I never even wrote! TY

528 Misunderstood Words (Fiction)

He was weird, some people liked that, some people didn't. 

He would say crazy things that you’d believe to be true if you didn’t know him. There had been an anonymous call made to the local police station about him not long ago, apparently they felt threatened by his strange behaviour and believed he could be a risk to society. The police ignored the enquiry until he disappeared. 

The day he was reported missing the previous mention of his name was brought up, causing an instant frenzy among the people who claimed to know him. Everyone soon began to talk about the freak who had vanished, even the kids from school began to write their version of events through sinister stories online.   

He cared about the people around him understanding for a short time but when he realised the shock he could get out of the people who failed to comprehend, he began to use that to his advantage. He would say things to disturb them, to catch them off guard and then turn away with a smirk, knowing that he had served his purpose. 

It was always jokes to me, I never heard the things he said as anything more than his mind's eye talking, I can’t explain it, he was creative.

He would always speak about being high but I knew he’d never touched such a remedy in his life. He wouldn’t even take medication to ease pain, he said that his body was made to fend for itself, it didn’t need help from something deadly. I disliked people like that, I told him that he didn't know what he was missing, I tried convincing him by admitting that it had helped me permanently but he wasn't yet crazy enough to believe me. 

He chose to act the way he did, I think he saw many things in life as an experiment, he was always looking for the reaction that individuals were willing to give. And I understood that, I never questioned anything he did, he was inventive and I liked that. He is inventive, I like that.

He began having moments of panic, he started to question himself, he was no longer getting the reactions he desired, he would scream something about the laughs not being loud enough in his sleep. 

I told him that I had a plan that would show them but he had to first promise that he wouldn't tell them about me. 'If you tell them, they'll take you away to a lonely place and then they will silence me.'

I first told him to go to a place where he couldn't be found, I told him that all he had to do was agree to meet me and he would have executed his biggest experiment yet. He wondered how he would see the responses from a place so far, from a place where nobody else was but I told him that he just had to trust me. I promised we'd be able to sit back and watch the reaction from the crowd together, I promised it would be a good one. 

He then agreed to my voice and the experiment begun.

- I'm over on the dark side - HAIR DYE -

Random and not a very me, post today but I dyed my hair last night and I am loving it and I have to share the things that I love with you, right? It's how it works!

I am obsessed with dark hair but I've tried to stay pretty light brown, so that I don't have to bleach it if I change my mind but without sounding dramatic, I was in need of darker hair! I would dye my hair black right now if I could but I know those damn blonde roots are already on their way back and I don't know about you but I'm absolutely not down to rock a blonde to black ombre this year...

I used Superdrug's colour performance permanent creme colour in 3.0 Natural Darkest Brown.. long name. I started using these Superdrug hair dyes because of the price, I have to use 4 boxes of dye and nobody wants to spend a lot of money on dying their own hair, so if I can buy 4 boxes for just £12, I'm going to do that! Price aside, the colours in this collection have always done me good, I love them. (Accept the non-permnant colours, I used the colour Dark Chocolate on my roots just before Christmas and the colour did not come out dark, at all.)

There may be some patches of lighter colours throughout but that's ok considering I practically forced my mother into dyeing it for me then she very stressfully repeated 'I don't know what I'm doing' while putting the colour on. 

Sorry Mum, you did good... please touch up my roots for me in a couple of weeks time...

A camera-happy 2014

Hello, hi, welcome..

I’m a bit late to the happy new year thing but I have been rooting though my iPhoto’s Last 12 Month file and I thought that it would be fun to share with you a few random photos that I have from throughout 2014.

I don’t know if photos are only fun to look at if they are your own but I often write about the heavier subjects on here, so hopefully some happy photos from throughout the year and Christmas will bring a bit of joy to my blog! :D

January

 One of the first photos I have from 2014 is of me and my friend in the toilets at a gig.. Lovely start, I know.

18.01.14

27.01.14 - Chelsea's birthday

February 

22.02.14

March

How to put a sleep pattern in place - 10 DAY SLEEP SCHEDULE

Hi, quick post today!

In my last post I mentioned a sleep schedule that I had been given a couple of years ago when I was at the sleep clinic. It is a 10 day plan designed to push your sleep forward two hours every day, so by the end of it, you've had an 8 hour sleep and woken for 7am.
Christmas is only 15 sleeps away, so if you're struggling with your sleep pattern at the minute and worried that you'll not be awake for the big day, this may be able to help you out!