Marks & Scars.

I'm always writing about illnesses here on my blog, which is what I set out to do but it turns out that health isn't the only subject I have something to say about, so I thought I could share a little piece of my mind with you, on something I often see people insecure about, incase you needed to hear it.

We're all born with a blank canvas and as we grow our canvas changes, whether they are changes we choose to make ourselves, the mark of a healed wound or natural changes our body makes on it's own. I don't look at any mark on my skin and think that it's ugly, it's just my skin. I actually find the longer I look at the stretch marks, the scars, the freckles and the moles on my skin, the happier I am about them, no one else has that exact pattern on their skin, no one else can look down and see those unique markings that you see on your body and I don't think that is something to be ashamed of. I'm always working to love the parts of me that I spent so long trying to hide by just appreciating why they are there, I have stretch marks because I have grown, I have gained weight, I have lost weight, I have scars because I have had surgery to keep my body going, I have battled a mental illness, I've also done some damaging falling over many times while having fun as a child.

We all get caught up in the magazines from time to time and begin to search for the next thing to help make us that little more perfect but I think thats the thing, perfect is only really possible in magazines, after its been touched by people who have adjusted it to make it their own idea of perfect, even then someone will find a fault. It would be no fun if we all lost those interesting, distinctive features that stitch us together, we would also never get to laugh together over the story of how a shetland pony caused my imperfect looking nose...

This body is keeping my alive, I know I've disliked and felt let down by it at times but it never stopped and my perfectly imperfect skin is protecting all of the important parts, it's keeping me together, I shouldn't even mind what it looks like. I am grateful for the growth in my life and I will happily embrace that showing on my skin. This is the only body we will ever have, how can we waste time feeling anything but love for that?

Tips For Spoonies Abroad. (Preparing, During & Aftermath)

Before you go

Understanding your illness - 

I think the most important thing to know and understand before going away is your illness. I mean, I doubt I'll ever fully understand my illness and what's actually going on with my body but this past year I have become more aware of what my illness is capable of and that's made me understand why certain things happen and prepared me for when a bad day does comes. Paying attention to the way your illness affects you, learning what helps and what doesn't; the things you should avoid and learning to actually listen to your body should make things run a little smoother. 

Company - 

Make sure you're going with people who will respect your limits and understand that you're going to have to approach everything a little different than your 'average healthy person'. From experience on both ends of the spectrum I can confidently say that if you go with the right people everything else will just fall into place, even if you get there and you aren't well enough to leave the room, go with people who understand and they'll respectfully leave you to do what you need to without making you feel bad about it. 

Go somewhere familiar - 

I think going somewhere you've been before is a good idea. I had stayed in the place I went this year a few times before and being able to envision exactly where I was going was really comforting and took a lot of the 'being away from my comfort zone' stress. As soon as I arrived, I could relax straight away, I knew exactly where to go and what to do, I didn't have to worry about finding the local shop or somewhere to eat. Knowing your way 'round the airport, where to get a taxi, the places to go and how to find your way back to the hotel takes a lot of stress off of an already stressful experience.

Don't leave it all till the last minute -

Shopping, packing, printing off boarding your passes and hotel vouchers... Do it over time, don't realise the weekend before you go that you don't have a suitcase (aka don't be me). Don't be afraid to start shopping a year before you go, just make sure everything is prepared early, so you're not putting your health at risk the day before travelling, reserve those spoons!

Stop panicing -

Ok I don't have many tips for this, I was terrified to leave the house on the day of traveling and I threw up all the way to the airport (cute, I know) but I had the best time once I was there. During the panic I just tried to keep the thought of being there in my head, knowing that none of the feelings would matter in a few hours when I'm having dinner chatting to my friends. So if like me, you're in a panic about sending your broken body abroad, I can tell you that if you can just push through the hard part, it's totally worth it. 

During

Don't stop pacing -

I know part of us wants to go a little crazy once we've made it there, it is hard to keep holding yourself back when there's so much you could do but for the sake of tomorrow, take it steady. Maybe you can't do everything you wish but just be grateful for the small things you can do while there and you'll have a jolly good time, whether you're doing some crazy water sports or just sitting under an umbrella on the beach, watching your friends do the crazy stuff. Take extra care on holiday because it's easy for us to say that PEM is worth it at home because we know how to handle it, it's easy to just write off the day and let 10 hot water bottles cuddle you in bed but when you're on holiday, although you could spend the day in bed if you needed to, it would be much nicer to just do a little each day and not over do it all on the first night.

Take a time out -

For me, there came a point in the day where it was all a bit much, a mixture of the heat and just being out in a busier environment overwhelmed me, so I would either go back to the room midday then go meet my friends for lunch a little later or I'd go rest after lunch. I think taking myself out of the situation and just resting each day really helped my body keep up, whenever I felt I was running a bit too low, I would go restore some energy, so I didn't ruin the rest of the day for myself.

Stay out of the sun -

I've never been one to lay out in the sun because I've got that wonderful porcelain skin that likes to fry but I'm extra conscious now that the sun does crazy stuff to my symptoms. As much as heat helps me out in some ways; relaxes my muscles which eases my pain, it really exhausts my body and drops my, already low, blood pressure, which does not do me good, so I just made sure I stayed in the shade, stayed hydrated and listened to my body; going inside when it felt too much. I know we'd all love to rock a nice tan on holiday but I just gave myself a faux glow beforehand and tucked myself under the umbrella, avoiding a bad situation!

Don't drink alcohol -

I don't know if every spoonie out there is intolerant to alcohol but I know most are on medication which shouldn't be mixed with alcohol and seen as we can't get away with much, I'm sure it does affects us all in one way or another. So maybe it seems stupid reminding us not to drink but when my body first had a bad reaction to alcohol, I thought it was just a bad hangover, or a one off, I never related it to my illness, so I kept doing it until I realised the two were related. This may apply more to the people who are going away with friends, its probably easier to decline a drink when you're away with your family but when you're around other drunks, the memory of what it does to you is probably not as clear. I'm use to being sober around drunk people now, I've gotten use to it but I know at first it's hard not to feel like a spare part but no one else is paying attention, so just have fun with being the sober one, being aware of everything you do is not a bad thing. I use to think I could sacrifice a day, dealing with the aftermath for a good night but no, no and no, it's never worth it, we suffer enough from the everyday activities, so if there's ever a chance we can avoid any extra suffering, we gotta take it.

Eat & Stay Hydrated -

Probably the most obvious one but I feel like I had to include it. I would recommend taking some food in your suitcase, I took some trusty cereals and cup a soups, just incase I wasn't able to go out for food or I didn't have an appetite, I would be sure to eat something. I think we all could drink more water than we do on holiday but try to keep a bottle with you at all the times, no matter how many times you'll have to pee in just one hour!

Back home

Worry about the unpacking later -

Drop that suitcase, get into bed and build yourself into a duvet wall! Get all the rest you need while dreaming of the fabulous time you had!! Be proud of yourself; you did it!!

I was going to write more about the holiday itself, more personal, not just about the spoonie side of things though I wasn't sure how informative that would be but if you do want to know more about where I went, what I got up to, how I dealt with anxiety and how I ended up with a tattoo... with all the spoonie struggles and management in-between, please say so because I did try to write a diary while I was there. 

If I do write another post, I'll ask my friends if they're cool with me uploading the video of our holiday, again you'll have to let me know if that's something you think would be interesting to see. The video doesn't relate to what I write on here, just a fun thing I'd add on that would probably show you the bigger side of my personality that doesn't just scream ill person.

Leave me a comment with any spoonie traveling/going away tips of your own and let me know if you want another post. :)

 Happy holiday-ing!!

BLUE SUNDAY 2015 - THANK YOU

Wow. It's 18:30, my Blue Sunday tea party is coming to an end. I'm still sat drinking tea, wrapped in a blanket outside and still overwhelmed. Together with my online and offline donations, we've raised £553.60!! I can't believe it, I cried. Then my mum cried, so my sister cried. There was a lot of joy! Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to this important cause, I can tell you that the ME Association and us as sufferers, are incredibly grateful for every single penny you've kindly given!

Anna has done an amazing job at creating this wonderful event, I hope she's super proud of herself because we all are! Thank you for doing this and giving everyone an opportunity to get involved and raising so much awareness, it's people like you who we need more of.

I want to thank everyone who helped me make the day possible, my friends and family who baked for me and also spread the word, it all meant an awful lot to me.

For the people who asked about my T-Shirt you can buy it HERE 

http://www.meassociation.org.uk/shop/gifts/t-shirts/

This day meant a lot to me as this was the event that I'd heard about last year, the one which encouraged me to get involved and start this blog. Last year I attempted a cake that ended up looking like a Yorkshire pudding and I just had a piece in bed while I joined in online, so the fact that I was able to host my own event and have my family and friends involved this year was amazing and showed how far I'd come in the past 12 months. Thanks again for making all of that possible, Anna!

If you haven't yet donated and you would like to. The Blue Sunday justgiving page is still going and you can find my page here, you can also see all of the other teams amazing success here. I am so proud of everyone who held their own tea party, I know the planning, hosting and the following days aren't easy on us but you all inspired me to get through the day and it was all 200% worth it, I couldn't be happier with how it went!

Thanks again for all the donations, I can't stop thinking about everyone's generosity, the money is going to an amazing cause and I'm so glad you've all been there to see and contribute to that. 

M.E AWARENESS

No ones lives their life expecting it all to change in a matter of weeks, days, minutes. We're all aware that bad things happen in life, we see bad things happen on the news all the time but it's always something we just hear about and we feel sympathy for those people, we say that we wouldn't know what we'd do if that happened to us but we are no different to them, they didn't prepare for their life to change for the worse and they don't know how to handle it either. Bad things happen to everyone at some point in their lives but we live our lives preparing for all the good that we hope to come in our future, life would be sad if we woke up every morning and planned tomorrow as if we were going to be less able than today, we plan and imagine the future in the best way possible because we are told that we can do anything if we really want to and that we've all got plenty of time to do it.

What happens if one morning you wake up and you're no longer able to sit up? How would you feel if one day you were dreaming of traveling the world and doing all the things you wanted to just because you could, then the next day every dream was crushed because your life had changed and you were no longer able to think about the future, you had to watch everyone else around you get excited about life ahead of them while you, after planning hospital appointment after hospital appointment, wondered if you even had a future. How would you feel if suddenly your life came to a holt, you had to stop all of your plans and accept a different path? A path of pain and complications.

I became ill at the beginning of high school, I had just began realising the exciting adventures that were possible in life, me and my friends would talk about what we were going to do after high school, we'd have exciting conversations about holidays and festivals together, I enjoyed school and I thought that my teenage years were going to be so much fun. They weren't. I spent hours in hospitals, I spent days wondering what was happening to my body, my friends would be complaining about their boyfriend issues while I wondered if I was dying. Other days I wondered if I was just imagining it all, people would make me believe I was, make me think I was the problem, that it was my fault that I was suddenly unable to move about and function well.

After years of desperation I found out that I had M.E. The mystery that had taken over my life and changed every aspect of it, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. A condition that disables myself and millions of others around the world.

M.E, known to some as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/CFS, is a condition that causes extreme fatigue that does not go away with sleep, sleep is made difficult, insomnia is a big symptom, difficulty getting to sleep, difficulty waking up and disturbed sleeping patterns. Pain is a big symptom too; painful joints, muscles and migraines. Sufferers feel flu symptoms daily, sore throat, headaches, body aches, nausea, irregular temperature, dizziness, painful swollen lymph nodes and palpitations. This condition also delightfully comes with cognitive difficulties such as; poor concentration, short term memory loss, difficultly planning/gathering thoughts, a general feeling of disorientation. Everyones symptoms vary and we all suffer differently but something that is usually guaranteed is that symptoms will worsen after psychical or mental activity. M.E has no cure, we assume its occurs after a viral infection but no one knows too much about it as there isn't a lot of funding.

This condition leaves people bed bound, unable to move or carry out minimal actives such as getting washed. Sufferers are often unable to attend school or work and are left socially isolated and depressed because of their restrictions. Don't be fooled by someone who looks well, a couple of days a month I'll have makeup on and be outside looking well but the following days I will be in bed with my painkillers, unable to sit up.

We all say that our illnesses don't define us but it's often hard for them not to. M.E gets in the way of every aspect of my life, I'm sure you've missed school before because you've been unwell and when you go back you realise that you've missed a lot and there's lots of work for you to do and you don't understand the conversation your friends are now having and it's only been a few days... What if that was every single day for you? Years. Then you'd really be out the loop, you see peoples lives move forward while yours stands still and demands a fight from you.
M.E causes me excruciating pain, it makes my body slow, it makes my breath short, it sometimes makes me lay awake all night crying, it makes my brain fuzzy and it makes others judge. I didn't want this, none of us did, it's not our fault and we shouldn't be treated differently because of it, it's just something we have that's made our paths a little different and yeah, I'm sometimes sad that this may be my forever and the future does scares me but most of the time I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm in this position because I'm the one that understands and I'm lucky enough to be able to voice that. I get to meet incredible people who understand too, who inspire me daily. I had never heard of M.E 6 years ago, I wouldn't be writing this post and raising awareness today if I didn't have this illness. This is now my life, it's not changing anytime soon, so together as M.E sufferers; lets make it our job to do the best we can for us all, to raise the awareness we need and push for the research and acknowledgement we deserve because every single day we are the ones that have to understand this nasty illness a little bit more.

I am also part of Team BLUE SUNDAY for M.E Awareness week. The wonderful Anna and her Blue Sunday event was the thing that inspired me to get involved last year, so I'm happy to be hosting my own tea party for my family and friends this year. You can support me HERE, or text 'KBTP55 *amount you want to fund*' to 70070. Funds go to the ME Association, they are a campaigning UK charity that help support and provide helpful information for people with M.E, they also fund research into the causes and to improve treatment. 

Thank you!

I hope this post found it's way to someone who before had never heard of M.E and that you learnt something from it.

A chronic illness support group via podcast

Last month I asked what you thought of the idea of me starting a podcast and I've spent lots of time since then thinking of ideas and organising it.
I haven't yet recorded the first episode as energy isn't always on my side but it's given me more time to think about how I actually want to do this and now I know the direction I'd like to take it in. I would like not only to cover certain topics but to have it like a 'support group'. I'm not going to ask everyone to join me on a Skype call once a month and talk about our issues but I'd like stories to be shared. I've been thinking about what I would have wanted out of something like this when I was feeling alone when first diagnosed. There's a dark time where you're on your own, in denial, not speaking out, not asking for help but still sort of looking for information to make you feel less alone. I didn't always have a blog to write, to share how I was feeling, I never talked about it, I just silently searched around for other people stories to make me feel normal. If I had come across a podcast a few years ago that I could listen to after those nasty hospital appointments that I left feeling ignored and broken, if I could come home and just sit and hear other peoples stories shared without having to make my presence known, I think that would have helped me a lot. I know having the option to anonymously write in and then hearing my email read out and others agreeing and making my problems seem 'normal', would have helped me a lot in coming to terms and speaking about my feelings. So this is what I want to create, an environment that makes chronic illness sufferers feel united and understood, a environment where your presence doesn't need to be known but can be if you choose. I want listeners to tune in and leave feeling not so bad about their illnesses. Maybe family or friends want to listen, to build up an understanding from us, of what their loved one is going through.

I know there are many Facebook groups and other support groups out there but I also know some people aren't ready to put their name out and speak about it yet, I know I wouldn't have been comfortable writing as openly as I do now, 3 years ago. There are thousands of sufferers out there that have no one to speak to or anyone to listen to them, who could benefit so much from feeling part of a strong community, so my goal with this is to be the voice for the past me, I want to be the person to share what's going on in her head because she wants to be heard but she's not quite ready to speak up yet.

I'm of course, not expecting this podcast to kick off immediately, the first episode may just be me telling you my story and some topics I plan to discuss in future episodes but I would like to think we could get something good going. I'm going to record the first episode in the beginning of May, so if you run into any problems throughout April that you'd wish to share, please do, the contact information will be at the bottom of this page. Anything from a frustrating conversation you just had with a family member who just doesn't quite get it and you want to rant about it (we get it, don't worry!) to a concern about a new symptom that has decided to stop by this morning and you're wondering who can relate. I'm happy to talk about just the little things that we face every day or the bigger things that happen in relation to our chronic illnesses, so whether you'd like to come on the podcast and share your whole story with us or just send an email, asking to be read out anonymously or not; I'll look forward to any responses!

Email HERE 

Message or post on Facebook wall HERE

Tweet HERE

I don't have a big audience to share this with but I think it would be a good, beneficial thing to be involved in, so if you could, please do share this around and hopefully we can start something great. Thank you!

I can't get no hair satisfaction! (BLACK HAIR)

The last time I dyed my hair, I shared it with you and I mentioned my love for dark hair and I also said that I would love to dye mine black, so today it only feels right for me to share this with you too.

After months of spooking myself out of dying my hair black, I realised I was thinking way too much about a reversible thing, so I went out and bought the damn dye. I coloured it yesterday and as much as I love the colour, I have to say that it was a bit anticlimactic. I went for a 'natural black' because as much as I like the idea of resembling a witch, I thought I'd play it safe but I think all my anticipation and excitement was a little OTT as it's only now a shade or two darker than before. My obnoxious blonde roots didn't take to the dye much either (the grease probably repelled it) and theres still a warm hue on the top, making it look more of a dark brown, so I'm going to colour it again soon and hopefully then it'll be as BLACK as the lovely night!

I used John Frieda's Foam Hair Colour in 2N Luminous Natural Black and would you look at that? It did actually make my hair look luminous. If you read my last hair post, you know I usually use 4 boxes of dye but this time I only had to use 2!!! Either this foam stuff is just super good at covering a lot of hair with little product or I'm going to tie it up and discover a nasty patch of brown hair still in the back... I'll leave that one for the person stood behind me to worry about.

INSOMNIA DIARIES #1

A dull, beaten ache that insists on staying. A stubborn sensation burning away at the joint. I fear they will one day be worn down so much by the particles of pain that I will no longer be standing, they'll wear the bones down day by day 'till I can't breathe through it any longer. Please stop there I'll say but it will move, spread, attack me from another angle, I will try to stand my ground but I will eventually give in and I will drown myself in violent capsules that break their claims, their promises of doing me good. They will betray me, combine and strike hard, encourage each other. I realise I was better before, I could take it but now the next ten seconds that anyone can get through must become five, making it through ten seconds is big ask when something bigger has taken your focus.

Day To Day Life (Chronically Ill Edition)

Hello.. Good morning - good evening!
I don't post regular on here, mainly because it takes me a few of weeks to write a post I care about and I never want to just post something for the sake, that's not why I do this. So as I find it hard to sit down and write a post straight up, over the last couple of weeks, I wrote notes on my phone, wrote what was going on in my head and how I was feeling at that time, so hopefully I can put them together on this post to give you a bit of an insight into my life.

20th February 2015 
00:44 - I've had a rough few weeks, my pain level has been jumping from tolerable straight to 'should I be in the hospital?'. I've began writing a few posts but 90% of the time I feel like there is a ball living in my head that insists on jumping from left to right constantly, which of course, isn't a pleasant sensation in darkness, never mind when you're looking at small text on a bright screen. So as I wait for my bath to run, I'll write up as much as I can for this post. It's almost 1am and I'm running the bath in hopes of it soothing my pain a little. When the temperature drops below a certain level in my room, my body goes into alert and the pain comes on almost immediately. It's not that it's noticeably cold in the room but I sometimes turn my heating off when I'm too warm as my body temperature goes from one extreme to another so then I forget I turned it off and my body then feels the slightest bit of cold.

00:49 - The cold water is running now, if I get in a very hot bath there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get myself back out of it!

00:51 - Ok now the bath is freezing and extremely full.. I need to work on my time management! 

00:56 - Time to introduce my feet to the water temperature before I get in... Oh the simple days where I could jump in and out of the shower/bath without it being anymore than that.

I made it out the bath and onto the bathroom floor. Can we make hairy and bruised legs a trend? For the girls who can't help it or don't care. I did try but I could almost hear my hips screaming at me when I tried to lift my leg up, I guess trousers will be tomorrow's choice!

14:00 - I'm ready to get up. Well I'm not able to sit up at the moment but I'm not going back to sleep, I'm just trying to move my limbs a bit to get them working but they feel like sandbags right now. I got 8 hours sleep, which is fab, 6am-2pm but still good. After I got out of the bath last night I had to lay down for a couple of hours, I'd washed my hair as I'm going out tonight and I don't really want to look on the greasy side, I'll let you know how I get on. 

14:06 - I just turned to my side and my heart rate went crazy, made my breath short, so I have to stop moving for a second. Sits up in bed - spends 5 minutes getting breathing back on track, moves the the edge of the bed - sits for 5 minutes 'til my legs are ready, walks to the bathroom - thanks the heavens that the toilet is a seat!

(I never logged how my night went. I went out for dinner with my family and Chelsea's boyfriends family. I had a bad headache in the restaurant, my eyes were hurting, it was a very small place, so the tables were close, conversations were loud and body heat was trapped and circulating the room. My legs always begin to seize up after sitting for a while and my body becomes jittery when I stand up, so between stretching my legs under the table (almost kicking my mum off her chair in front of me) and walking to the toilets every time I felt my body becoming agitated, I managed the night well.)

21st February 2015

06:00 - Saturday morning, I've been up all night but I'm finally feeling sleepy, time to shut my eyes and hopefully sleep. 

10:48 - I just woke up, I feel extremely sick. I feel hungover. I'm not, I don't have to drink to have the symptoms of a hangover with me.  

18:13 - I'm out of bed now. I woke up many times throughout the day but I didn't feel well enough to get up. I'm so weak at the minute, give me an hour or so and I'll hopefully have a bit of strength! 

00:07 - My heart rate is going crazy, I was just in the living room and I stretched which sent my heart racing. When I stretch my body feels like jelly, my arms and legs become weak and my heart beats extremely fast for a few minutes. So I waited a couple of minutes before walking into the kitchen, thankfully there was a chair in the kitchen as my sister had a hair cut earlier in the day, so I could sit down quickly as I felt like I was about to faint. I'm laid on my bed now, I'd love to get a shower/bath as I am boiling but I don't think I'd be able to walk to the bathroom and do that at this minute because I feel too exhausted now.

It's 2pm, I've just had 5 hours sleep. I'm again exhausted, my body is weak and there's a lot of pressure on my chest. It's raining out, I can hear it. Someone is watching TV in the living room, I can hear that too. I can't describe this feeling I'm having right now, it's like a sudden wash of heat and sickness that flashes over me.
I just stretched and turned on my side, my body needs a second to calm down now. I told you that when I stretch I become weaker, my limbs feels as if they have dead wires flowing through them, I can feel my hips and my feet but the in-between, my legs feel empty and heavy. I need to put my phone down now, moving my hand is cramping my arm. 

19:47 - I'm awake for good this time, I feel better than before. My throat is a little sore, there's pain in the side of my legs and my vision is blurred, I'm still adjusting to the light. I'm exhausted. I don't know how many times I can say that word but that is literally the one word I can use to describe this feeling, it's the perfect word. 

I've had a lot of vivid nightmares the past few days. I think it's the going in and out of sleep thing.. not nice!

20:08 - I don't know about you but when I just wake up I crave sweet things, I need that energy! And my motivated to get up right now is the brownies in the kitchen..

It's Thursday, the 26th. I have no idea how it got to this date, I thought it was Tuesday today, not that it matters. It's 20:05, I got up about 15 minutes ago and I made a cup of tea. I'm now sat on my bed leaning on a bunch of pillows, I must have been getting freaky in my sleep because I feel like I've pulled a muscle in my back and I've woken up with a very tense body. I had 2 dreams about dogs, you know those hairless cats? Sphynx cats, I dreamt I had one of those but it was a dog (?) like a tiny greyhound and when it went outside it shrank so small it almost dissolved, so I had to pick it up and take it back inside in time, so that it could go back to normal size, strange.. I had another dream about a little dog at a tattoo shop, he'd been found nearby and he had a bunch of horrible tattoos on his back, so they were being covered before he went to his new owners. Somehow I was there and holding the dog while he got it done, he was a small white dog and half of his body/fur was being covered with black ink.. I don't even know. The humans in my dreams are being replaced by dogs.. I'm not sorry.

28th February 2015
10:50 - I was hoping to stay awake and go out with my sister today as I have been asleep all week, so I've not seen her much but my ears are buzzing, my eyes are blurry and my body is working against me, so it looks like another day in bed. Though I'll try my best to stay awake as late as possible, so that I can hopefully sleep late enough to stay awake tomorrow, so I can sleep tomorrow night and so on. I don't feel great right now but my heart is still beating, maybe too fast but it's still a good sign, right? I better go wrap my cold tootsies up and get my eyes away from my phone screen, though the sunlight through my blinds is much brighter. Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if you could turn the brightness down on your surroundings like you can on your phone? I suppose I'll just get my head under the duvet!

02:09: I just managed to get out of bed. I woke up at the opposite end of the bed wrapped in a blanket, my neck and shoulders aren't happy with me, I used my duvet as my pillow, provided quite a height! I'm hungry but I'm breathless and weak, so I don't think I'm going to be able to make any dinner/breakfast just yet.

Ok it's the 6th of March now. I of course, didn't know know the correct the day today, apparently it's Friday not Tuesday. I've just finished going over this post, I thought I'd wrote more than I did and I didn't know while writing these notes how negative they probably sound but I've not had the best few weeks, insomnia got me bad and I've been trying to manage my illnesses as best as possible. A run down of my day to life would be: I wake up feeling like I just crossed over the finish line of a marathon; exhausted, my heart is fast, I'm in pain and my head feels tight. Then once I'm able to sit upright and get out of bed, I just manage each day as it comes, whether that be resting all day and taking painkillers when I'm finding pain unbearable or maybe it's that once a month time to go outside kind of day, if I'm feeling well enough to go out, I do and I pace myself throughout the day then I'll then pay for it for the following days which I've learnt to deal with, some things are worth the set back.

It's the 16th of March now, this post went on for a lot longer than anticipated but obviously things get in the way, not only have I been absent from my blog but I've not been writing anything at all for the past two week, which is not like me, I love to write, it's how I get through things, so here's to picking my notebook back up and getting back on track. It was actually Mother's Day yesterday, I think I left my bed only 4 times throughout the day, I hate that but I thankfully have a wonderful Mum who knows my situation better than anyone and I think we'd both agree that we share enough great moments throughout the year to make up for that one day.

Overall, my days aren't filled with much other than thoughts, I do usually start to pick up throughout the day but I still go to bed in pain and wake up feeling if any, worse. I don't remember how it feels to recover from an illness within a week and get on with life. I live for the days that I can enjoy myself doing the things I'm able to and I try not to think much about the things I cannot do. Some days are tough but I know there are better to come and although I have limits, there's still a million things that I'm lucky enough to be able to go out and do and for that, I am grateful to be as well as I am. 

SHOULD I START A PODCAST?

Hello! Today I have a straightforward question for you: Should I start a health podcast? Before I go any further, I'll explain what that is for anyone that doesn't know (granny, I know you were about to text me asking, ha). 

A podcast is an audio file, uploaded to the internet in series, it's basically a radio show online, available to listen to at anytime, covering different topics in each episode.

This may seem like a random project I'm just dropping on you but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, mainly because I think it could be a good platform for us spoonies as it's not always easy to read paragraph after paragraph, so I'm thinking that creating some easy listening audio that you could play anywhere at anytime, could be a good concept. 

I often discuss M.E and the experiences I've had from being chronically ill on here but if you know me in person, you know that I can talk forever if it's about something I'm passionate about. And you probably also know that I like to go off track and before you know it, it's all got pretty deep and un-related and I'm asking what you'd do if you woke up in someone else's house and the front door was being unlocked from the outside. So yes, I can be a talker once I get into a subject but I love the back and forth of a conversations, which is the opposite of what I can do on this blog, a good reason for me to start a podcast. It would be an expansion on my blog, where I would discuss chronic illnesses and related subjects further. I think we could have fun as well as get serious, I could have the people who are close to me on to discuss how my illness has changed their lives too, we could have guests on to discuss the things that I'd usually write about alone and of course, other people to share their own stories and experiences. As it is would only be audio, connecting with others around the world for things like this is pretty easy thanks to our friend, Skype (if the unfriended trailer didn't scare you away from using it). We could also cover controversial matters, have some debates, I know that I'd enjoy having some old teachers on to discuss their ageist views on illnesses, holy cow I would actually love that! 

Now I don't know all that much about producing audio shows, I wrote scripts for radio in my brief time at college but I have never presented something myself. So it would be a big step and I'd have to do a lot of research, also I will look into what's already out there but if there isn't anything too similar already going on, I would be excited to give it a go, if people are interested. And if you're concerned about my non existent BBC English, I promise I'd try to notch down the Northern as much as possible for you!

Please do let me know what you think of this idea, I obviously won't go ahead with anything if there would be no audience but if any of you would actually be up for listening to my voice discuss some stuff (maybe while you're trying to fall asleep or while you wait to be called into an appointment) just give me a comment or tweet with a simple yes and I'll get straight onto the research and see if I can make this happen.

 I apologise for any mistakes in this post, I'm super tired and my vision is poor right now, so please tell me if I've made a spelling mistake or if I'm missing a word in a sentence, as I seem to read back and see words I never even wrote! TY

528 Misunderstood Words (Fiction)

He was weird, some people liked that, some people didn't. 

He would say crazy things that you’d believe to be true if you didn’t know him. There had been an anonymous call made to the local police station about him not long ago, apparently they felt threatened by his strange behaviour and believed he could be a risk to society. The police ignored the enquiry until he disappeared. 

The day he was reported missing the previous mention of his name was brought up, causing an instant frenzy among the people who claimed to know him. Everyone soon began to talk about the freak who had vanished, even the kids from school began to write their version of events through sinister stories online.   

He cared about the people around him understanding for a short time but when he realised the shock he could get out of the people who failed to comprehend, he began to use that to his advantage. He would say things to disturb them, to catch them off guard and then turn away with a smirk, knowing that he had served his purpose. 

It was always jokes to me, I never heard the things he said as anything more than his mind's eye talking, I can’t explain it, he was creative.

He would always speak about being high but I knew he’d never touched such a remedy in his life. He wouldn’t even take medication to ease pain, he said that his body was made to fend for itself, it didn’t need help from something deadly. I disliked people like that, I told him that he didn't know what he was missing, I tried convincing him by admitting that it had helped me permanently but he wasn't yet crazy enough to believe me. 

He chose to act the way he did, I think he saw many things in life as an experiment, he was always looking for the reaction that individuals were willing to give. And I understood that, I never questioned anything he did, he was inventive and I liked that. He is inventive, I like that.

He began having moments of panic, he started to question himself, he was no longer getting the reactions he desired, he would scream something about the laughs not being loud enough in his sleep. 

I told him that I had a plan that would show them but he had to first promise that he wouldn't tell them about me. 'If you tell them, they'll take you away to a lonely place and then they will silence me.'

I first told him to go to a place where he couldn't be found, I told him that all he had to do was agree to meet me and he would have executed his biggest experiment yet. He wondered how he would see the responses from a place so far, from a place where nobody else was but I told him that he just had to trust me. I promised we'd be able to sit back and watch the reaction from the crowd together, I promised it would be a good one. 

He then agreed to my voice and the experiment begun.

- I'm over on the dark side - HAIR DYE -

Random and not a very me, post today but I dyed my hair last night and I am loving it and I have to share the things that I love with you, right? It's how it works!

I am obsessed with dark hair but I've tried to stay pretty light brown, so that I don't have to bleach it if I change my mind but without sounding dramatic, I was in need of darker hair! I would dye my hair black right now if I could but I know those damn blonde roots are already on their way back and I don't know about you but I'm absolutely not down to rock a blonde to black ombre this year...

I used Superdrug's colour performance permanent creme colour in 3.0 Natural Darkest Brown.. long name. I started using these Superdrug hair dyes because of the price, I have to use 4 boxes of dye and nobody wants to spend a lot of money on dying their own hair, so if I can buy 4 boxes for just £12, I'm going to do that! Price aside, the colours in this collection have always done me good, I love them. (Accept the non-permnant colours, I used the colour Dark Chocolate on my roots just before Christmas and the colour did not come out dark, at all.)

There may be some patches of lighter colours throughout but that's ok considering I practically forced my mother into dyeing it for me then she very stressfully repeated 'I don't know what I'm doing' while putting the colour on. 

Sorry Mum, you did good... please touch up my roots for me in a couple of weeks time...

A camera-happy 2014

Hello, hi, welcome..

I’m a bit late to the happy new year thing but I have been rooting though my iPhoto’s Last 12 Month file and I thought that it would be fun to share with you a few random photos that I have from throughout 2014.

I don’t know if photos are only fun to look at if they are your own but I often write about the heavier subjects on here, so hopefully some happy photos from throughout the year and Christmas will bring a bit of joy to my blog! :D

January

 One of the first photos I have from 2014 is of me and my friend in the toilets at a gig.. Lovely start, I know.

18.01.14

27.01.14 - Chelsea's birthday

February 

22.02.14

March