20th February 2015
00:44 - I've had a rough few weeks, my pain level has been jumping from tolerable straight to 'should I be in the hospital?'. I've began writing a few posts but 90% of the time I feel like there is a ball living in my head that insists on jumping from left to right constantly, which of course, isn't a pleasant sensation in darkness, never mind when you're looking at small text on a bright screen. So as I wait for my bath to run, I'll write up as much as I can for this post. It's almost 1am and I'm running the bath in hopes of it soothing my pain a little. When the temperature drops below a certain level in my room, my body goes into alert and the pain comes on almost immediately. It's not that it's noticeably cold in the room but I sometimes turn my heating off when I'm too warm as my body temperature goes from one extreme to another so then I forget I turned it off and my body then feels the slightest bit of cold.
00:49 - The cold water is running now, if I get in a very hot bath there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get myself back out of it!
00:51 - Ok now the bath is freezing and extremely full.. I need to work on my time management!
00:56 - Time to introduce my feet to the water temperature before I get in... Oh the simple days where I could jump in and out of the shower/bath without it being anymore than that.
I made it out the bath and onto the bathroom floor. Can we make hairy and bruised legs a trend? For the girls who can't help it or don't care. I did try but I could almost hear my hips screaming at me when I tried to lift my leg up, I guess trousers will be tomorrow's choice!
14:00 - I'm ready to get up. Well I'm not able to sit up at the moment but I'm not going back to sleep, I'm just trying to move my limbs a bit to get them working but they feel like sandbags right now. I got 8 hours sleep, which is fab, 6am-2pm but still good. After I got out of the bath last night I had to lay down for a couple of hours, I'd washed my hair as I'm going out tonight and I don't really want to look on the greasy side, I'll let you know how I get on.
14:06 - I just turned to my side and my heart rate went crazy, made my breath short, so I have to stop moving for a second. Sits up in bed - spends 5 minutes getting breathing back on track, moves the the edge of the bed - sits for 5 minutes 'til my legs are ready, walks to the bathroom - thanks the heavens that the toilet is a seat!
(I never logged how my night went. I went out for dinner with my family and Chelsea's boyfriends family. I had a bad headache in the restaurant, my eyes were hurting, it was a very small place, so the tables were close, conversations were loud and body heat was trapped and circulating the room. My legs always begin to seize up after sitting for a while and my body becomes jittery when I stand up, so between stretching my legs under the table (almost kicking my mum off her chair in front of me) and walking to the toilets every time I felt my body becoming agitated, I managed the night well.)
21st February 2015
06:00 - Saturday morning, I've been up all night but I'm finally feeling sleepy, time to shut my eyes and hopefully sleep.
10:48 - I just woke up, I feel extremely sick. I feel hungover. I'm not, I don't have to drink to have the symptoms of a hangover with me.
18:13 - I'm out of bed now. I woke up many times throughout the day but I didn't feel well enough to get up. I'm so weak at the minute, give me an hour or so and I'll hopefully have a bit of strength!
00:07 - My heart rate is going crazy, I was just in the living room and I stretched which sent my heart racing. When I stretch my body feels like jelly, my arms and legs become weak and my heart beats extremely fast for a few minutes. So I waited a couple of minutes before walking into the kitchen, thankfully there was a chair in the kitchen as my sister had a hair cut earlier in the day, so I could sit down quickly as I felt like I was about to faint. I'm laid on my bed now, I'd love to get a shower/bath as I am boiling but I don't think I'd be able to walk to the bathroom and do that at this minute because I feel too exhausted now.
It's 2pm, I've just had 5 hours sleep. I'm again exhausted, my body is weak and there's a lot of pressure on my chest. It's raining out, I can hear it. Someone is watching TV in the living room, I can hear that too. I can't describe this feeling I'm having right now, it's like a sudden wash of heat and sickness that flashes over me.
I just stretched and turned on my side, my body needs a second to calm down now. I told you that when I stretch I become weaker, my limbs feels as if they have dead wires flowing through them, I can feel my hips and my feet but the in-between, my legs feel empty and heavy. I need to put my phone down now, moving my hand is cramping my arm.
19:47 - I'm awake for good this time, I feel better than before. My throat is a little sore, there's pain in the side of my legs and my vision is blurred, I'm still adjusting to the light. I'm exhausted. I don't know how many times I can say that word but that is literally the one word I can use to describe this feeling, it's the perfect word.
I've had a lot of vivid nightmares the past few days. I think it's the going in and out of sleep thing.. not nice!
20:08 - I don't know about you but when I just wake up I crave sweet things, I need that energy! And my motivated to get up right now is the brownies in the kitchen..
It's Thursday, the 26th. I have no idea how it got to this date, I thought it was Tuesday today, not that it matters. It's 20:05, I got up about 15 minutes ago and I made a cup of tea. I'm now sat on my bed leaning on a bunch of pillows, I must have been getting freaky in my sleep because I feel like I've pulled a muscle in my back and I've woken up with a very tense body. I had 2 dreams about dogs, you know those hairless cats? Sphynx cats, I dreamt I had one of those but it was a dog (?) like a tiny greyhound and when it went outside it shrank so small it almost dissolved, so I had to pick it up and take it back inside in time, so that it could go back to normal size, strange.. I had another dream about a little dog at a tattoo shop, he'd been found nearby and he had a bunch of horrible tattoos on his back, so they were being covered before he went to his new owners. Somehow I was there and holding the dog while he got it done, he was a small white dog and half of his body/fur was being covered with black ink.. I don't even know. The humans in my dreams are being replaced by dogs.. I'm not sorry.
28th February 2015
10:50 - I was hoping to stay awake and go out with my sister today as I have been asleep all week, so I've not seen her much but my ears are buzzing, my eyes are blurry and my body is working against me, so it looks like another day in bed. Though I'll try my best to stay awake as late as possible, so that I can hopefully sleep late enough to stay awake tomorrow, so I can sleep tomorrow night and so on. I don't feel great right now but my heart is still beating, maybe too fast but it's still a good sign, right? I better go wrap my cold tootsies up and get my eyes away from my phone screen, though the sunlight through my blinds is much brighter. Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if you could turn the brightness down on your surroundings like you can on your phone? I suppose I'll just get my head under the duvet!
02:09: I just managed to get out of bed. I woke up at the opposite end of the bed wrapped in a blanket, my neck and shoulders aren't happy with me, I used my duvet as my pillow, provided quite a height! I'm hungry but I'm breathless and weak, so I don't think I'm going to be able to make any dinner/breakfast just yet.
Ok it's the 6th of March now. I of course, didn't know know the correct the day today, apparently it's Friday not Tuesday. I've just finished going over this post, I thought I'd wrote more than I did and I didn't know while writing these notes how negative they probably sound but I've not had the best few weeks, insomnia got me bad and I've been trying to manage my illnesses as best as possible. A run down of my day to life would be: I wake up feeling like I just crossed over the finish line of a marathon; exhausted, my heart is fast, I'm in pain and my head feels tight. Then once I'm able to sit upright and get out of bed, I just manage each day as it comes, whether that be resting all day and taking painkillers when I'm finding pain unbearable or maybe it's that once a month time to go outside kind of day, if I'm feeling well enough to go out, I do and I pace myself throughout the day then I'll then pay for it for the following days which I've learnt to deal with, some things are worth the set back.
It's the 16th of March now, this post went on for a lot longer than anticipated but obviously things get in the way, not only have I been absent from my blog but I've not been writing anything at all for the past two week, which is not like me, I love to write, it's how I get through things, so here's to picking my notebook back up and getting back on track. It was actually Mother's Day yesterday, I think I left my bed only 4 times throughout the day, I hate that but I thankfully have a wonderful Mum who knows my situation better than anyone and I think we'd both agree that we share enough great moments throughout the year to make up for that one day.
Overall, my days aren't filled with much other than thoughts, I do usually start to pick up throughout the day but I still go to bed in pain and wake up feeling if any, worse. I don't remember how it feels to recover from an illness within a week and get on with life. I live for the days that I can enjoy myself doing the things I'm able to and I try not to think much about the things I cannot do. Some days are tough but I know there are better to come and although I have limits, there's still a million things that I'm lucky enough to be able to go out and do and for that, I am grateful to be as well as I am.
